Bahagia itu sederhana

Apa sih arti kebahagiaan menurut kamu?

Buat aku, arti bahagia itu sederhana. Bisa menghabiskan waktu bersama orang orang yang aku cintai ♡

Dalam single terbaruku yang berjudul 'bahagia itu sederhana', aku banyak sekali bertemu orang orang yang memiliki pandangan sendiri tentang arti bahagia. Ada Raisa andriana, Tya Ariestya, Nina tamam, Kunto Aji dll yang semuanya sangat membantu sekali dalam pembuatan video klip ini. Dan ternyata arti bahagia mereka itu sebenarnya sederhana.

Kalau kamu gimana? Apa arti bahagiamu?

Hey guys, this is my second single "ternyata kamu"
You can find the video clip here 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znTgfNRhrBI

And here is the lyric! 
So, enjoy! And i really do hope you guys like it (*^^*)

TERNYATA KAMU

Coba coba tuk mencari
cinta selain dirimu
tapi bayang dirimu terus menggangguku
Aku ingin yang terbaik tuk jadi bunga hatiku
Tapi hanya dirimu yang mengerti aku
Oh kasih..

Reff
Ternyata kamu yang aku mau
kau buat semua terasa indah
Ternyata kamu yang dihatiku
kau mampu membuatku bahagia
Kuingin dirimu tetap disampingku slalu
Cintaku ternyata kamu..

Aku ingin yang terbaik tuk jadi bunga hatiku
tapi hanya dirimu yang mengerti aku
oh kasih..

Reff

Cintaku tak bisa berpaling darimu
Oh kasihku.. ternyata kamu

Reff

BOOK and ALBUM launch

Thank God finally my album and novel were launched at the same time, Saturday 14 september 2013. What made it better is that it was launched in Central Park Mall, one of my favourite mall in Jakarta. This is some pics taken on the day :)

KRISTAL

Finally, I'm a writer! And this is my very first novel "KRISTAL"
I wrote the story for 9 months during nights and nights of  'insomnia' (yeah, I'm such a vampire girl -_-')
So, when it is finally done, i feel so grateful. It's even done one month before my album. 

Basically, my book is all about r.o.m.a.n.c.e. period.
It tells you a story about true love. How love can be very complicated, yet sincere and beautiful at the same time. How love is all about sacrifice. How love hurt you and you can still forgive. How love change your life and make it better every time...

This book tells a story about Kristal. A girl, very fragile but beautiful just like crystal. Her past was full of mysery that she close her heart to anyone but one guy, Reygan. But when the only person she could trust is no longer by her side, she lost hope..
Then, there's another mysterious guy who always watching her from far. A guy with a dark secret. The unforgivable one. But she loved him, so much without knowing his dark secret. 
But since the very beginning, their love is a miracle. and if love is miracle, will it conquer all? Even one's darkest past?

First single "SETIA"

HEy guys, this is my first single "SETIA
I wrote this song my self among 7 others that i wrote in my album, so i really hope you guys like it too.
You can watch the video clip here: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gAa_M5BaRM

And here is the lyric: 

SETIA

  

Bayangkan bila aku tak disini

Berada jauh darimu.. aku..

Bisakah kamu coba tuk setia

Menjaga hatimu tukku

Meski diriku tak disisimu

Mampukah kamu setia

Reff

Beribu janji takkan mampu

Mengusir ragu yang tak henti

Bila tak kau buktikan

Bagaimana ku percaya

Bayangkan bila aku tak disini

Berada jauh darimu.. aku..

Bisakah kamu coba tuk setia

Menjaga hatimu tukku

Meski diriku tak disisimu

Mampukah kamu setia

Reff

Beribu janji takkan mampu

Mengusir ragu yang tak henti

Bila tak kau buktikan

Bagaimana ku percaya

Beribu bintang takkan mampu

Mengusir sepi yang merasuk

Anda saja kau tau

Yang kumau hanya satu..

Setia..

Indonesian Idol 2012

my 'chasing dream' journey  begins by my auditioning in Indonesian idol. I recalled how my late babysitter love watching this show back when she was able to 'see'. I was hoping by performing in the idol stage, she could see me and smiled from heaven...

Skip the sad part! Back to the story..
The first audition held in some cities and i happened to go to Medan that time. It's nervewrecking, but somehow i managed to get the golden ticket. Around 20 finalists was choosen, get the golden ticket  and send to Jakarta to get some briefings, and more selections to come.

I didnt make it to final that time. But did i give up? The answer is no.
it rather emphasized my desire and passion that i indeed belong in the big stage.
And, so my journey continue..

Hey guys, it's been a long long time already sice i wrote stuffs in this blog. Almost a year, gosh! Been very busy chasing my dreams this whole year. So, here i am writing, wondering what had happened in my life and truthfully, im quite impressed and grateful with my achievement so far.


It's all started with a dream..
I've always been a dreamer since i was a kid. One of my dream is to be a singer, since i always love a big stage, the claps of audiences, spotlights, musics, and stuffs. Too bad, i stayed in a small city when i was younger, and so there's rarely chance to pursue that dream.

When i just graduated from college in Singapore, i went back to my country and started to work as general manager in a hotel.

Oke, the pics look nice, and my life looks good.
yes, indeed, I love working there, but somehow i have feeling that im not meant to do this, in short, i dun feel like i belonged here. I want to do something more, some thing greater to fulfill this thirst. But by that time im not sure what to do, and how..

On november 2011, one of the person i loved passed away.. (I wrote about this in my previous blog)
Her death suddenly slap my heart. Life is too short to waste.
If i kept dreaming, a dream remains a dream. Forever.
I wonder if one day im much older and looked back at the past, will i regret this. And the scary part is how that regret is going to haunt me the rest of my life. forever.
So, i change my direction.
This girl is going to big city!

Lately im in love watching Junior masterchef australia. There's twins sisters named Isabella and Sophia participated as the finalist there. Both of them are really great cook, and as i observed their journey in the competition, i saw them producing many extraordinary foods than beyond believe for such young girls to be able to cook that way. When finally these two sisters are in top 4, i really felt happy for them.

 In the series of choosing the top 2 finals, one the participant filled the spot, leaving only one more spot to be seized by one of the three participants left. Two of them is the twins sisters im talking about. So i was very excited during that episode to find out who's gonna fill the final spot between those two sisters. That time i was wondering how would they feel to compete with their own sister. What kind of rivalry would happened, coz i know they both wanted to win this so badly.

In the end, Isabella wins the spot.

The judges asked the two participant who didnt got the spot in top 2 final, "what is the most memorable things happen in the competition for them?"

One of the participant answered a moment when they cooked the best food. But when it came to Sophia turns, she is smiling and said "right now. When my beautiful sisters is coming in the top two"

That moment, i saw all the judges shed a tears, and so did i. She showed us what sisterhood is all about. That is feeling happy when the person you love is happy.

Every little things

In an evening, while sitting back in a cab that brought us home, i had a simple conversation with my assistant, a 45 year old lady.

She told me:

"you see, i lived in a house with 3 precious girls in my life. One, is my mom, who regardless her inability to walk or speak more than a word, which she used to explain anything that she wanted to say by that only word, is actually very sweet, caring, passionate woman i've ever known in my entire life. Second, is my seventy five year old aunty with an IQ of 5 year old kid, but whose heart is warmer, honest, and somehow wiser than most of intellectual people out there, because she found out he true meaning of happiness, which made her always grateful towards everything every single things, no matter how small it is. And the third is my maid's 4 year old daughter who has some kind of deficiency in expressing words, which doctor explain as nerve problem, making it hard for people to understand what she was trying to say, except my mom and my aunty. For some reason, and only God knows, these three remarkable girls are somehow connected. Unexpectedly, they could understand each other very well. I encountered one evening, where i just went back home, watching three of them laughing towards each other. They were chatting, saying things that sounds like alien words to me. But strangely, they could understand each other's word, and laughed as if they heard some kind if jokes, their only definition of joke. Im standing there, thinking is it me or them who's not normal here? But looking at their happy expression, i couldn't help but thinking, what's the matter? A lot of people with money, power, intelligence and ability to talk fluently, still couldn't understand each other, nor do they respect one to another, But my wonderful three girls, is the proof, that no matter their weaknesses, they still can share love and joy to others. And yes, i'm very grateful for the opportunity i had to live and learn from these wonderful girls every single day."

ps: That day i was reminded of one important thing that always be forgotten in my hectic life. That we can get happiness simply by feeling grateful to every single things in our life..

She always with me like forever. As far as i could remember, she was always there beside me.

And now, she's gone. As simple as that.

She came to my house when i was just a baby. She became my babysitter, my brothers and my sisters as well. So, basically, we get used to live with her around. She might not the best babysitter in the world, there's a lot of things that even now, i still disagree with her attitude, but for difficult or happy moments our family have gone through, she is there, she knew it all. 22 years. is really not a short period. And it's almost impossible not to love her. She is like a family for us. At least for me, she is like my second mother...

2 years ago, She asked my mom to send her to her hometown. After some months, we heard that her diabetics gone bad, and even worst, that disease took her eyes. She then came back to our family, blind.  One thing i admire from her is her strength to accept her condition and trying to live her life normally. I saw her cutting onion and cooking, ironing clothes, and i kept wondering how she could do that without an ability to see. But miracle indeed happens when people have a very strong will. We often asked her to stop working and just resting a whole day, simply entertaining her self and living peacefully with us in our house. But she kept insisting to work. She said that she doesnt like to do nothing. Working made her happier. But that time time i understand very well. She wanted to work because she wanted to be handy and useful for us. And that's why she felt happier. She is happy when she felt that she is needed. One thing she doesnt understand. We always need her.

Time flies. Two years flies so fast, and her disease got worse. We brought her to many doctors. In and out of country. But, they all gave up. No doctors nor medicine could help her. And she is getting weaker and weaker. Sicker and sicker. We often heard her crying at night. Whispering that she is painful. And hopelessly, there's nothing we could do to erase those pain.

 Some weeks later, she decided to go back hometown. She wanted to meet her son and grandson. My mom and i took her to airport straight to her hometown. I remember chatting with her in the plane, holding her hand saying everything would be okay. Never came to my mind that it would be the last time i could ever have a conversation with her. She passed away in november. Leaving this world and all the person she love and loved her.

Farewell Bunda yuli.
ps: i love you

Success in Friendship

Today, while driving in my car with my lil sister, right after buying some books in a book store, she started a conversation about her problems to me, something she always did. Me, like usual, being a good listener, analysing her problems and trying to find a solution for her. So, i stopped my car in a new sushi restaurant in town, so we could have a better conversation. After some plates of delicious sushi, she started telling me how mean was her best friends towards her, how they treated her very unfairly, and she felt betrayed because of that. She joined a girl's gank at her school and made good friends with them. One of the girl who was like the leader in the group, suddenly ignored her, and all the girls in the same group started doing the same thing to follow this girl. And she felt really disappointed with this one girl, because my sis felt that she didnt do anything wrong to make her angry, furthermore, she didn't understand how could all the girls in the group followed this girl, even though she was very bossy, mean, and moody. I listened to her attentively, doing some analysing before i made my conclusion, and i knew she was waiting for my answer, a solution. For me, this is one of the best part of being an older sister and having a younger sister who trusted me: I could be useful. I might not smarter than her, but i have more experiences, and im eager to share them to my precious sister. in a word: I can help. And of course, while writing this post, i hope i can help those people out there, who were struggling with the same problems, and i humbly wish i could help.

This lil sister of mine is the youngest in my family. She is very lovely, independent, creative, smart, kind girl. Her only weakness is that she is too kind to others. And i found that she is like that because she felt insecure sometimes, and there's time when she wanted to be accepted by others. So i began with a question. I asked her: U have two choices now. You still want to be her friend or not? And she answered me that she still want to be her friend and stays in the group. So i told her: the only thing she could do right now is: be success! She stared at me, looking disbelieve with my answer. So i started to give her my explanation.

There's a lot of kinds of success in life. Success in career. Sucesss in family. Success in love. Success in friendship. And there's always key points to achieve each of those success, and the key points usually linked one to another. The same things about achieving all those success is about building relationship. To achieve a successful friendship, you indeed need to build a relationship. Planting, watering, fertilizing and let it grow well. Example of these building relationship things are: making a short message to your friends, asking how she doing, remembering a friend's birthday, cheer a friend in trouble, etc. It sounds simple, but not everybody doing that. They are too lazy to do it, too proud, etc. In fact, it is very important. and guess what, building relationship doesnt need a lot of effort, only consistent effort needed, and importantly: sincerity. Doing things sincerely gave you a positive thinking. A positive mind will create a positive attitude as well. It helps to spend your day with positive energy and thus will create a positive environment. Your friends will feel happy and comfortable staying around you.

Other things that is also important is being your self. This is very important, especially for someone insecure like my sister. I told her that she is very special, and how much love our family have for her. And i wish for her to do things that she wanted to do. A right one, and be proud of it. I also told her that there are two differences of : doing things to please your friend, and doing things right. Doing things just to make your friends happy, ignoring the reality that you didnt agree with the thing they asked you to do. example: your friends asking you to steal, helping them cheating in examination, and some other bad things. will only lead you of being someone else. A stranger. Doing things right, things based on your principles, on things that you thing is right, will lead you to be a great person, being your own self. I gave her example, why the mean girl in the group had such power to make the other girls followed her. She never did things to please her friends. She did things that she thought is right, and not afraid to be her true self. I didnt mean to ask her to be mean like her. While you being mean, you will arrived in a point when other people around you realizing how uncomfortable they were with the mean attitude and sooner or later, they wont accept that anymore. Im talking about being your self. And im sure my sister is a better person than being another mean girl. The point is doing things to please your friend will give you a lot of friends, a fake one, disloyal, betrayer, useless friends. Doing thing right, based on your true self, will give you bestfriends, good friends, loyal, honest, useful, true friends for life.

I told my sister to do a little experiments in her social life about building relationship with sincerity, positive mind and attitude, and of course based on herself. The result was like what's expected. Her friends started to talk to her again, and she didnt have to do things with intention to please others, nor pretending of being someone else. She could be herself. Positive, sincere, have a lot of good friends, and importantly, being happy with her self :)

Thanks, bro!

Today a very good friend of mine, made me a picture of myself. I like the pics so so much. It's just so awsome! I cant help but post the pics here, haha. Thanks a lot brotha!

My first Oil Painting

Recently a very good friend (called 'mr D') taught me how to do an oil painting. I used to paint with watercolor before, but never once did it with oilcolor. So it was quite interesting. and fun! I just realized how fast time flied without you realised it, when it comes to painting. I spent a whole night to do my first painting, and slept at 4 am in the morning. I couldn't wait to show my picture to my new 'lao shi' ( the great mr D, ha!).

The result was 'okay', but i still felt that something's missing. Mr D told me its very normal to feel that way. Beauty is in the eyes of beholder. And since you are the creator, you have the right to fix it anytime you want until you satisfy with the work u did. So, yeah, this is the result of my first oil painting. At least, for now ;)

Wacking workshop

Today me and my team was having fun dancing and learning from one of the instructor from O School, Singapore. His name is Brian. He taught us how to be good at wacking dance. This 'world wacking' dance sounds very strange for me at the beginning. I dun even know what is wacking, since i usually did hiphop dance.

The workshop is held in the lobby of a Mall. I never did an open dance workshop before, so it was quite interesting.. And as expected, it was all fun. Brian is such a pro dancer. We really learnt a lot. Two thumbs up for him :)

Girl in the Mirror

I was reading a novel in my bedroom, another fantasy theme, stories that i love, when my mom knocked my room. She gave me a biography of a successful young woman. By that time, i was thinking: "Okay, cool! I read it later. Way later after i finished this fantasy novel and maybe some other novels that i thought would be way more interesting. And with that i said "thanks" to my mom, pretending to start reading that book she gave me, and closing it right after my mom shut the door. And the book was forgotten, saved deep inside those piles of novels and books of mine.

Some weeks or months after that, i hardly cant remember, i was alone in my room, feeling sad. I just had a hard time due to a problem. Not my own problem. If it was my own problems, i usually could face them effectively. But unfortunately it was't my own problem. It was my family problem. The only problem in this whole world that is hard for me to handle. Because they were often beyond my control. And it hurts not me, but people that i loved, and it will hurt me more. The only thing i could do when it happened was praying. So, there i am in my room, alone. Praying. Thinking. Melting in my own thoughts. Usually in a bad day like this, whenever i felt sad or hopeless, i would find an activity to forget my problem, and importantly, to help me clearing my messed up brain, giving me a new energy to think better and find a solution. Most of the time, i would pick a book, coz reading always gave a sense of comfort for me. And that's when i accidentally saw that book given from my mom. I began reading it. The books told a story of a young girl who became success and having a lot of money in a very young age. With those success, he could make her parents proud of her. It really catched my emotion. The author really inspired me. Im not talking about making a lot of money here. Im talking about success. She is a successful daughter for her parents, a successful wife, a successful mother, and the greatest thing was that she was willing to share them with people around her. her life as a motivator became an impact for so many people. And she did charity too, something that has always been my interest.

After the book's done, i did some discussion, with someone no other than my self. I saw my face in the mirror and asked her: Wo are you? What do you really want to do in your life. And the answer came. It wasnt exactly an obvious answer that you could hear. But for me it was pretty obvious. I got the point of what i really wanted in a big picture. I remembered what the bible says in matthew 6:33 " But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

And i cried. And i prayed. Just a simple prayer...

" Dear God, i won't ask you to help this world. The only thing i ask you is to use me. Use all i am to help my family, and eventually help the world.."

And with that my resolution began...

First Wedding Dance

it's my first wedding dance! I was so nervous. It's not because i never did any dance before. I indeed did some dance performances back then. It's just that, i always performing hiphop dance all my life. I never did any glamour dance for events like wedding before. I used to think that glamour dance was too girly for me. I prefer RnB and hiphop kind of dances with more movements and energy. So, when my team leader asked me to dance in a wedding, i didnt really enthusiast, but then i thought what is the big deal. 'bring it on, baby!' But hey, i was totally wrong. Glamour dance it's not that easy. I didn't get the soul at all when i practiced the dance. Movement is always important in a dance. But in glamour, those movements is nothing without expression. We need to do acting as well. Unlike RnB when fun, stupid, cool, ignorant, or any kind of expressions is acceptable as long as you got the right movement. In glamour, every step of the dance was like telling a story. Very graceful, just like a swan. And i was definitely never been good enough at being graceful at all! So here i am shaking on my very first wedding dance. I couldnt even put a smile on the stage. I was so nervous.. until i saw the bride! If i thought i was the most nervous face in the room, it was nothing compared to the bride's face. It's her Big day. Her one and only moment. And i just realize, what made me very happy is the fact that i've became a part of her 'very important' moment, eventhough i didn't know her at all. And i know that i came to love this performance, simply because i could saw the blessed face of a couple in a moment called wedding...

Be Positive

it's been some months now since i graduated from my college in one of Singapore's university. Three years ago i always thought, i would pursuing my dreams right after i finish my degree. To be a singer. You may found it very amusing, since i was taking business & finance as my major in university. But my life as a college student was spent with my guitar, composing some songs, instead of studying. Very amusing. But, well, it was my dream since highschool, and i was very sure that singing is all i ever wanted to do for my life. Wait, scratch that word 'sure'. Coz, after some thoughts, the word 'sure' always seems absurd when u're a teenager whose life's full of possibilities. I grew up. And the more i muse over it, i began to question, why i want to be a singer? Looking back to my history, my dream began with the ambition to make my mom proud. And since im good at singing, winning some competitions and stuffs, i began to think that to make my mom proud at me, i need to be popular singer and make a lot of money. But then, of course, life's not always happened as what we planned. God sent me to Singapore for a reason He only knew. So, i continued my education, just like my father always want his children to have: good education. But my dream to be a singer never stop. My initial plan a year ago was to pursue this singing career, right after i graduate. Life in college felt like waiting time. Wondering why the time flies so slow. I wanted to graduate as fast as possible, then pursuing my dream as fast as possible. Then finally it's over. Final exam came, continue with long holiday, left only a waiting for my graduation ceremony. And i left my university, my dorm, Singapore, heading back home.
I did a lot of considerations on my first week at home. Organizing plans, and so on. But i felt that somehow, my enthusiasm wasn't as big as before. My family financial situation was getting better since a year ago, and i no longer needed to earn money by being a singer. I recalled those time when i was in US for a summer school a year ago. Travelling to some places in countries far away from home, seeing different life and culture, meeting a lot of great people who taught me some new perspectives of how to see life in a different ways, i indeed grew up a lot. Thanks to them. And by that time, i added another dream to my life. to be a united nation ambassador. A job that will help me realize my dream to make this world a better place, doing charity and stuffs, volunteering to some poor countries, things i always want to do in the future. And in order to do that i need to further my study, taking International relationship, knowledge that would be useful for me in this career. So now, i have two choices. Pursuing my singing career first, or going to London to take my master degree. No matter which choice i made, i know it's not going to be any easier. There would be a lot of struggles along the way.

I talked about this possibilities to my mom, The only person in the whole world, whose words has a big influence to my decision, my plan, my life. She suggested for me to go to London. And my plan changed. And guess what, this plan then changed again, for some reasons. There was riot in London on July. My father thought it wouldn't be safe for me to study in those chaotic time, and suggest me to wait for another year. Next reason was my parents needed my helps to manage their new business. And since i was the older amongst my siblings, i have the responsibilities to helped. And here i am, working as General Manager in my family's hotel.

The question is: with a high position i have right now, dont you think it is just normal for me to be just happy with it? Apparently im not. To finally took this position, i did some sacrifices. I sacrifice the offer from a good university in London, i sacrifice my time to start my own career, and importantly i sacrifice my freedom to work independently. Unsatisfied, I spent the first month of my time working everyday with negative energy. And the fruits of this were ineffective works. I came to the office very late everyday, absence as much as possible which gave a very bad example toward my employees, in a word i worked just to kill my time, without any goals and aims to build the jobs. I felt victimized, and spend my life in a waiting for a year to be over and i finally could go to London. I didnt realize that time that i actually did another same mistake that i already did while im in Singapore. I do not maximize what i already had. i didnt realize that by doing that, i actually wasting another time of my life, useless. I was regretting, i couldnt see what i already had. I always use the words if im like this, if im like that, instead of let's do this. lets do that. And if you always used the words ''if'', then your dreams will end up being always a dream.

Let's see in a better perspective. How much difference would it made if im thinking positively. And start to take action, instead of regretting and feeling victimized.

Firstly, Be grateful! if i have the slightest feeling of grateful. How much easier my life would be. How lucky i was as a person. How countless blessings given for me. I will act as for today and not yesterday.

Secondly, be brave! Responsible for your own action, and make it better. I already made a choice. No matter what choice i made, i shouldn't blame others. Besides, there is no such things as a best choice. Only right one. And there is no people in this whole world other than our world's Creator, knows whether we made a right choice or not. It only make sense that maximizing every seconds of your life is what makes a choice seems right.

Thirdly, be passionate. Enjoy your life, love your life, be passionate! Passion or love is what makes this world round. I realized after some time, that every dream i have were started from my love to my mom and my family. Even my current decision to stay and help them with their business was based on my love towards my parents. It amused me now how that time, i felt victimized for making such decision. it's really making no sense now. Thinking back, my family is the most important people in my life. They (and God) are always my piority. So, why should i feel sad for making a bit of sacrifice for them? I should feel great. I can be helpful! And with more efforts, i can maximize my current situation to make them proud of me. (which im trying and praying to figure out how) So, simply by changing the concept of my mind, by thinking in a positive way, i believe i can change my life. a better one.

So for now, here i am. In a small city called Batam. Im still far away from any of my dreams. But, for this short months since my graduation, i did some activities that i love, and i always enjoy every moments of them. I work as a general Manager in Batam Centre Hotel. A crew for my dance team. Doing some charity and social works with my friends. Doing some photoshoot as a model in some local newspapers. Still, singing in my spare time, playing with my guitar, composing one or two songs, learning some oil paintings, having fun 'nongkrong' with my best friends, now learning mandarin and preparing for some job expedition in China the following month, readings (Something i couldn't live without, ha!), and many others activities. And i'll make sure i will have a lot more activities and experiences awaits me in this near time..

I really felt grateful now for a lot of great people i met along the way, a lot of situations, people's biographys, bibles, my mom, who taught me endlessly how to be a better person. I know im still struggling, and will always be. Because that's what life is. A journey to fight. A journey to win. And in the end, it's not the time in our life that counts, but what contributions we made in our life that made our life meaningful.

And so, here i wrote this note , and some upcoming notes ahead. With only one purpose in mind: to share. Coz i believe sharing is beautiful just like our life is. Beautiful.

Someone Like You

This note below might or might not be a fictitious story)

There's always questions about him.

What kind of person he really is...

whether he really is a bad guy like what people said, or does he actually has the other glimpse of sincerity, the sweet side that i secretly peeped out.

whether he still the same person i knew the last time we met each other..

Whether he finally see me as a woman instead of little girl...

whether he still remember the memory only we both know..

whether he missed me the way i missed him...

does he ever love me...

And importantly, did i actually fall for him...
or this feeling is just an infatuation...

Feeling indeed could be very confusing..

There is a big difference between like and love. I never really sure with my feeling, nor could i ever differentiate both. One thing for sure, I never loved anybody other than my family in my life so far. For me, love is just too complicated. And my life has already way too complicated just as it is, thank you very much. So, if i ever felt any interest toward some guys, i will kept denyng that feeling, pressing and pressing, until it is disappear. And it works, all the time.

So i did it again this time. I kept denyng my feeling. He once asked me did i like him? And i said no.. That time, i thought, if things were good between us, why should i made it complicated with this love issue? So, time passed, and we went separate ways, maintaining this goodfriend' relationship, and im fine with that. We both chasing our own dreams, living in different paths, updating our stories once in a while, never let both of us lost contact. And it's good to have someone that care about you, asking how you're doing and so on. But even after a while, i still not sure with my feeling towards him. I did care about him. Yes, i like his personality. But love? Maybe not yet.

But still, when recently i heard, that he already found the right girl for him, i felt quite sad. I know i should be happy for him. If you really care about some one, you should be happy when that person is happy, and i did. I really am. I wish for every blessings for both of them. It's just that, somehow, in the deepest corner of my heart, i felt like i lost something without even sure what i've lost.

So, that night, i might be sad a lil bit, but overall, im fine.

I listened to Adele songs, and decided to sing and record it when i feel better in the next day.

And indeed i feel pretty much good, when i woke up the next morning. Of course i still care for him, but hey, im prettty sure that it is just the matter of time till i finally find the right one for me. And by that time, when i meet that person, i wont question my feeling, coz i'll know that he is real and my feeling is reall too. Just like love is real.

Sayonara Harry Potter

Just watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow part 2, and felt kinda sad right now. Well, i read all the novels and i knew the ending far before the movie was filmed, but still...

I watched The first Harry Potter movie when i was 12 y o. And before the first movie was filmed, the young me, who was about to finish book 2, was kinda chilled to know that HP was going to be filmed, and i was waiting for them to decide all the casts & i still remembered when a cute, innocent look lil boy named Daniel Radcliff was finally picked to play the role of Harry Potter. I was a big fan of him at that time. I bought his poster (together with both Ron and Hermione), souvenirs and all things with HP in them, all with my pocket money, and they weren't cheap ForGodsake! And sadly to admit, but i guess i grew up with Harry Potter around me. Both novels and movies. I felt sad enough when the last novel was out (and happy at the same time, since, of course i desperate to know the ending) and now, i felt sad for the movie to finally have an ending. There won't be anything to wait for next year.

Well, anyway, no matter what, i guess i will remember Harry Potter as a part of my chilhood memory. And i still have the novels. Perhaps one day, i can inherite them for my children or my grand grand children so they can experience this magical feeling i had everytime i read every page of Harry Potter..

Take it or Leave it?

Lately, i've been in a very dilemmatic situation. So many things to think about. Decision decision decision. N u know what, i always hate taking decision. Because i know exactly, once i decide something, there's no turning back. And this time, it's not some easy peasy things like choosing my wallpaper, or clothes, or hairstyle, n so on. It's way more than that. It's about taking a major decision in my life. Choices between 'take it or leave it situation'. Choices between different paths of reaching my dream. And in that every choice, i can choose my action. I can choose the consequence. But i can not choose both. And i got no clue, of which should i take.. And yes, they make me scared. Really really scared. How if i take the wrong one?

After so many days of thinking + praying, i suddenly realized one thing. That actually, in the end, it doesn't matter what i decide. In the end, there is no such thing as a wrong decision.

I once made a decision that made me live in regrets for quite sometime. It happened long long time ago. and i thought it was the worst decision i ever took. I kept thinking, why i made that stupid decision. People said everything happened for a reason, and i kept asking the reason why. And i never quite sure why. Well, story of my life.

Anyway, thinking back, was that really a wrong decision?

Not the best one? maybe, yes. But wrong? umm, not exactly. Because it turns out that the 'once i thought was a wrong' decision, was actually something that made me to be who i am now. A better person. Because whether i like it or not. It gave me a precious lesson. I learned by mistake. And even though it's not a fun process, it helped me to grow up. So, the point is: why should im scared of taking a decision? Well, im still young, what's the worst thing can come if my choice doesn't turn out well? Whether i take it or leave it, i can still get something from it.

So now, i already made up a decision. It might be far from the word perfect and i really have no idea what the outcome will be. But i pray, by God's grace, it will turn out to be the best one. That's all i can do and let God do the rest...